(Scene opens with a wide-angle shot of a snowy modern city landscape)
A long-ass fuckin’ time ago,
In the city of Lekar,
There lived a humble tyranny
Known for cruelty wide and far.
But yea there was a black sheep,
And he sought to raise the bar.
His name was young K.N.
And he refused to step in line.
A vision he did see of
Fucking rocking all the time.
He wrote a tasty jam
And all the planets did align…
(Dinner shot with young Gerhart sitting at a table, eating timidly, while wild-eyed Vlad Drakov sits at the head of the table, glaring at the one empty seat. Then, young Kai hops from around a wall, with a guitar slung around his neck, and starts strumming.)
“Oh the dragon’s balls were blazin’ as I stepped into his cave.
Then I sliced his fuckin’ cochles, with a long and shiny blade!
T’was I who fucked the dragon, fuckalizing, fuckaloo!
And if you try to fuck with me, then I shall fuck you too!
Gotta’ get it on in the party zone!
I gots to shoot a load in the party zone!
Gotta’ lick a node in the party zone!
Gotta’ suck a choad in the party zone!”
(Drakov gets up from the table, grabs Kai by the wrist, and pulls him out of the dining room. The next shot is him beating Kai over the back with a paddle in his room, before letting him go to huddle on his bed.)
You disobeyed my orders, Kai, why were you ever born?
Your brother’s ten times better than you, the Dark Powers love him more.
This music that you play from us comes from the depths of hell.
Rock and roll is Ligier’s work, he wants you to rebel!
You’ll become a mindless puppet; the Ebon Dragon’ll pull the strings,
Your heart will lose direction, and chaos it will bring.
You’d better shut your mouth, you’d better watch your tone!
You’re grounded for a week with no telephone!
Don’t let me hear you cry, don’t let me hear you moan!
You’d better praise DRAKOV (Drakov flexes) when you’re in my home!
(Drakov leaves, slamming the door, and once he’s gone Kai drops to his knees on the floor in front of his Metal God Sol Invictus poster, hands clasped)
Sol Invictus can you hear me?
I am lost and so alone…
I’m askin’ for your guidance,
Won’t you come down from your thr~o~o~one?
I need a tight compadre
Who will teach me how to rock.
Old Drakov thinks you’re evil,
But man, he can suck a cock.
Rock is not Malfean work,
It’s magical and rad.
I’ll never rock as long as I am
Stuck here with Old Vlad!
(Sol Invictus starts moving in the wall poster)
I hear you, brave young Kennes, you are hungry for the rock.
But to learn the ancient method, sacred doors you must unlock
To escape the tyrant’s clutches, and gain the glory of the Dawn
On a journey you must go to find the land of Cre-a-tioooooooon!
(map of Creation, focus on the East)
Far east of the Blessed Island,
In the verdant Scavenger Lands
You will forge a strong alliance
And the world’s most awesome band!
To find your fame and fortune,
Through the forest you must walk.
You will face your inner demons.
Now go, my, son, and, ROOOOOOOOOOOCK!
(Kai gets up and rushes around the room, gathering a few clothes, some hand-scribbled guitar tabs, and a couple of muffins, grabs his guitar with his other hand, and leaps out of the window.)
So he bailed from damn Fuckovnia with hunger in his heart.
And he journeyed far and wide to find the secrets of his art.
But in the end he knew that he would find his counterpa~art.
(After much searching, and some years, Kennes happens upon a tall man with long, feathered red locks playing a wicked-looking emerald guitar. The following scene ensues.)
Can’t you see he’s the man, let me hear you applaud!
He is more than a man,
He’s a shiny golden god!
If you think it’s time to fucking rock,
And fucking roll,
Out of control,
Well then you know you got to rock the block,
You fucking suck,
My fucking cock,
‘Cause when you rule,
You fucking school,
All of the fools,
Out of their jewels.
’Cause if you think it’s time to
If you think it’s time to
If you think it’s time to fucking ro~ooooooock.
He, is going, to fucking get it on!
And, you know, his name is Red Li~on!
And fucking rolling,
And fucking rocking,
And fucking rolling,
and fucking DOOT-DOOT,
BUBERUP BUBERUP BUBERUP
(more unintelligible, with air guitar)
BOOP, BOOP, BOOP, BOOP
BOOP, BOOP, BOOP, BOOP
(A bearded, sun-dark man with silver hair and a long platypus tail throws the Evil Fingers nearby)